It has been years since I have posted anything to my LiveJournal. I think it's time for that to change. With that said, I am going to reintroduce myself.... AGAIN!
The last time I posted was June 3, 2010. So many things have happened since then. Let's start with only key events.
- January 2011 - My Husband deployed. I lost an extreme amount of weight. We were able to Skype all the time since he wasn't Infantry. When he figured out his Homecoming date, I told my Husband, "Be aware, I have become super skinny." Keep in mind, he does know about my Eating Disorder.
- August 2011 - My Husband came home and his first words when he saw me were, "Look at you! You lost so much weight!" He told me that he didn't take me seriously.
- October 2011 - I dropped even more weight. His work center became so worried that the FRO, Chaplain, and Chaplain's Assistant decided to give me a surprise Intervention at my home. It was so embarrassing. I did get a free Coffee out of the deal from my FRO at the time! ;o)
- November 2011 - This was a turning point. The USMC Ball had come and gone. Since I was a model, I loved being in pictures. I took a picture with a rather new friend of mine. When I saw the picture uploaded on my PC, I said out loud, "Oh my goodness! I'm supposed to be the model. I always outshine everyone in pictures. She's outshining me! I think it's time to start thinking about Inpatient." I ended up getting a hold of the Dr. Phil show. I would've been chosen, but the fact that I had Epilepsy cancelled me out. They didn't have a Neurologist booked for that day. I searched for Residential Hospitals. None specifically fit my needs in Tricare East. I found one that I really liked and got it approved. The only problem was that they didn't approve of me due to my Epilepsy. After a back and forth for 3 months, they reconsidered me.
- February 2012 - I went Inpatient to River Oaks Eating Disorder Clinic in New Orleans, LA. Scariest, saddest, worst day of my life; yet, it was life changing.
- March 2012 - I was discharged. I didn't want to leave. I had the same feelings I did the first day I was admitted. Scared and sad. I wasn't ready to face the real world yet. I was somewhat happy, but resented myself.
- July 2012 - I began to have major Lapses.
- January 2013 - Started online school to become a Certified Personal Trainer (still working on that).
- March 2013 - Got into Female Body Competitions.
- June 2013 - I began wearing Waist Cinchers (Corsets) to shrink my Waist because my Coach told me I had a 'wide waist'.
- November 2013 - I began to Relapse.... Slowly, but surely.
This is where I stand now. I'm scared, alone, happy, sad, worried, and I just don't give a damn. I'm between the black and white area, which I hate. I dislike being in this gray zone. On the one hand, I can't believe I'm back here again. I don't want to ruin what I've done in these past two years. On the other hand, it's all I want because it's all I know. I have had this since I was 3 years old. It's all I know. It protects me from pain and heartache.
I will keep you all updated. I miss LJ and will continue to write.
Thank-You to all who read!